Sweetly Broken

Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to embrace the present. Most of the time I feel like I'm trapped in the past or future. I wish desperately that I could change events that have already gone by and I worry constantly about what is going to happen.... I can't live like this anymore. I wish with all my heart that college wasn't over and that I could be back with my friends, enjoying all the day to day laughs. I wish that I could go back to when I first met Boy and change the outcome of our relationship. I wish that I could know where I will be in five years and if I'll ever get a better paying job. There are so many things that I want to know or change in my life that it's CONSUMING my life!

I've finally come to the conclusion that in order to be happy I have to let it all go and acually enjoy what I have right now. Instead of wishing that I could go back to college, I can be thankful that I no longer have homework and that I'm an educated adult. Instead of wishing that Boy and I could have had a fairy tale ending, I can acknowledge the great times I had with him and know that even though he wasn't my fairy tale ending at least he got to be part of my fairy tale. Also, I can appreciate the fact that I have a class full of kids who care about me and that is far more important than the salary I make.

I don't know where I'll be in five years from now, one year from now or even one month from now. The only thing that I do know is that if I stop worrying and just give my life to God, it will all work out. I was listening to the song "Sweetly Brokent" the other day and it made me realize that God won't give me anything that I can't handle. I should be encouraged when trials present themselves in my life because I know that in order to have a better life and be a stronger person I have to first be "sweetly broken". The worst times in our lives are when we see ourselves for who we really are....they are the times that motivate us to appreciate all that we have and the people who love us. If I have faith in God's plan it will all work itself out eventually. I just need to learn the skill of patience. :)

Here are some quotes/verses that really helped to inspire me:
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."1 Peter 5:6-7

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
- Helen Keller

"Opportunities fly by while we sit regretting the chances we have lost, and the happiness that comes to us we heed not, because of the happiness that is gone."- Jerome K. Jerome

Only Time

A week ago, I had a profound moment sitting in my classroom (I just want to add that it's sooo weird to have my OWN classroom!). I was at my desk, while my kids were working on an assignment, and we were listening to soft, relaxing music. The song "Only Time" by Enya came on. Even though this happens to be one of my favorite songs of all time, for the first time I actually listened to the lyrics and realized how incredible they are. The song starts off by saying "who can say where the road goes?, where the day flows?, only time..." I really took those lyrics to heart. As much as I like to sit around and ponder/decide how things will turn out in my life, I will always be wrong.

For example, there's my relationship with Boy. I'd like to think that my past relationship with him was pointless and should have been avoided, but I also realize that it's not true. He taught me to have a better outlook on life and to have confidence in myself. Also, (and probably most importantly) I have to credit him with my current job. Last year, at this very same time, I was feeling increasingly unhappy in my third grade student teaching placement. I was offered a way out if I would move to fifth grade. I didn't want to. Boy told me that I had nothing to lose and that I needed to give it a shot because I might be surprised at how it turns out. Well he was right, I ended up LOVING fifth grade! A year later, I sit here marvelling at the fact that I'm a fifth grade teacher and it's exactly where I should be.

Life happens everyday and there are always unexpected twists in the road. A year ago, I would never have thought I would be where I am today. I thought I'd be living somewhere new, falling in love with my (seemingly)perfect Boy, and living a fun-filled picturesque life. Instead, I'm living at home, heartbroken, and leading a fairly dull life. However, my life is still fulfilling. I'm a teacher, which I still can't believe, and i'm constantly progressing toward becoming a more confident, independent young adult. Even though this isn't the life I would have pictured, it's not a bad life.

Another part of the lyrics says "who can say why your heart sighs, as your love flies, only time..." This is particularly helpful as I try to overcome my broken heart. I may be hurting now and confused as to why I'm alone but it's all for a good reason. Someday, I'll understand why I wasn't what he wanted and that there was nothing different that I could have done to change the outcome.

Also, while I was thinking about this song, I just happened to come across this quote in one of my teacher inspiration books. It says "if you really don't miss someone or someplace, you're not living life deeply enough." This is such a powerful quote. It's the scars on our hearts that show our true beauty. If everything was rainbows and smiley faces, we would never be able to appreciate the great things in our lives. I have loved and I have lost, but in the end, I'll be the winner. The heart breaks of life have caused me to become more open towards new possibilities because you never know when something will be taken away from you or when something will be drastically changed.

“Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." Romans 5:3-4

Forgiveness

This past weekend I came upon a quote that really spoke to me. It opened a can of worms (so to speak) in my heart. As I've been progressing down my road to happiness I've had my ups and downs. Lately I've been in the up part but there has always been something that keeps part of me down. The thing that keeps holding me back is my feelings about a certain boy. Boy has broken my heart in a seemingly unfixable way. No matter what I do and how hard I try to let him go, I just haven't been able to. Our relationship has always been confusing and undpredictable but it's been absolutely enjoyable at the same time. Even though he's found someone new, he keeps randomely coming back into my life. It's hard for me to handle and it makes me miss him more each time he talks to me.

However, for the very first time after I found this quote, I realized what was holding me back from letting him go. Forgiveness. During (and after) our relationship, Boy didn't always act in the best ways. He's caused me to cry more times than I can count. I've always blamed him for my broken heart. He's the one who wouldn't give us a chance, he's the one who always has excuses, and he's the one who talks about great things but can never follow through with actions. Now, I've finally understood that in order to let him go, I have to forgive him. Truly and completely forgive him. I can't blame him anymore. I can't blame myself either.

Forgiveness isn't easy and even though I know it's what I need to do, it's still going to take some time. I'll keep praying about it and I know that when I'm whole heartedly ready to forgive him, than God will take the burden off of me and the healing will be complete. I will have successfully let him go because I'll know that it doesn't matter what he did to me or why he did it, he's forgiven and I won't have a reason to be hurt anymore.

So I guess to conclude, I just want to say that if there's some area in your life that is holding you back and you can't quite seem to let it go, then you need to forgive. Forgive the person and move on...don't just say that you've forgiven them. Truly and unconditionally forgive them. You'll be better off for it in the long run. Forgivness heals your soul and helps you to become a stronger person.

This is the quote:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to realize that the prisoner was you."- Lewis B. Smedes (a Christian author).

Comfort

When I think of comfort, several images come to mind. I think of being in "the Shack" surrounded by close friends chatting about nothing. I think of my lake cabin at sunset and how the water sparkles in the fading light. I think about mac n'cheese, pudding and pepsi. I think about all of the things that give me physical and emotional comfort. I never think about things that make me unhappy or frustrated, things that I can't control and harsh words from people I care about.

Over the past couple of weeks though, I've realized that these are actually the things that give me true comfort. It's the trials in our lives and the bad things that happen to us that allow us to feel comfort in the good things. If all I ever drank was Pepsi then I would never realize how absolutely wonderful it is. It would just be something that I drank. I need to have experienced the sickening taste of Mt. Dew to appreciate the delicious taste of Pepsi.

Since I've started my adventure to find happiness, I've been able to completely understand what comfort is and how important it is in my life. Without the struggles that I've undergone, I would never have been able to identify the things that comfort me. Having had a lonely summer with almost no interaction with people my age, I realized how comforting it can be to have friends around you. Even if all you do with your friend is fight about the little things in life, at least you have someone to share your life with. If I hadn't had my heart broken (more than once), I would never have realized how comforting it is to know that their is always beauty in the healing and that you will always emerge a stronger person.

I think that the most important thing that I realized is that no matter how hard your life gets and how hopeless your life may seem, there is ALWAYS comfort in knowing that everything in this life is temporary. Your current circumstances are not forever. The only certain thing in life is change, and even if that change is intimidating or unexpected, it's comforting to know that it will always be there.

When I think about comfort, I also think about the song "Jesus bring the rain" by Mercy Me. Basically it says that we should pray for Jesus to bring the rain (or pain in our life) because it allows us to truly understand the great things around us. So for now, I'll keep praying for rain because I know that at the end of the storm, there will be a magnificent rainbow.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. Psalm 71:20-21

Courage

Courage is my word of the week. I'm trying to do everything in my power to be a courageous person. Prior to this week, I thought of courage as something only needed for heroes. Now I realize that courage is an everyday thing. I'm courageous because I'm trying to overcome my anxiety and depression. I'm courageous because I'm finally letting go of my future and giving it to God, knowing that he will take care of me. Everyone is courageous in some aspect of their lives and I think that we all need to take time to realize that and to appreciate it. Courage, or the ability to face your fears, is one of the most important qualities a person can have.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll have enough courage to make it through these hard times. Everyday is still an uphill battle for me. I'm trying to see the good but it's a struggle. I feel isolated from the world. I wake up, go to work, come home, hang out with my mom and go to bed. That is all my life consists of. I have no friends that I can hang out with or to even talk to. Everyone gets caught up in their own lives and has their own schedules, which of course is just part of life. I'm also trying to find the courage to move on from a broken heart and to let go of someone I truly care about. I'm trusting that God took him away from me for a very good reason and that someday I'll understand why (even if that day is in heaven). In the meantime I just have to accept it and move on. He's gone and as they say "there's no use crying over spilled milk."

I guess the plus of being alone all of the time is that I'm really starting to find myself again. I've been able to read more than I have in years. I get lost in my books and I love it. It helps me to realize that the world is waiting for me and all I have to do is find the courage to step outside, relying on the Lord to be there for me when I stumble.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."Joshua 1:9

Perseverance

Perseverance seems to be the motto of my life at the moment. This summer I embarked on a crazy journey I like to call "finding happiness." Easy for most, but extremely difficult for me. The last couple of months I've been emotionally drained and horribly bitter and depressed. Instead of taking the road of defeat, I opted for the road to happiness (just like the title to my blog says). I've been trying to learn how to live a life that is worthwhile and it's been interesting to say the least. I've been seeing this wonderful lady who is doing her best to make me appreciate my "good" qualities...and it's working to some degree. I go to a weekly bible study with college age women so that I can be involved in something. I babysit an adorable baby once a week. I'm planning my best friends wedding reception, which is basically a dream come true for me. I was also called in for an interview after filling out 40 applications (literally).

While these all seem like great things, I'm still struggling. My heart is still broken and each day I have to make an effort to get out of bed and be productive. Perseverance is what has been carrying me through. Knowing that I HAVE to reach my end goal or my life will truly go up in flames. Trying to understand that it's best that we don't see too far ahead, cause what would be the fun in that? The story of your life isn't about the ending, it's about everything that happens in the middle. So I guess what I want to say is that at the end of my story, I will have persevered through these tough times and I will have my happy ending (eventually).

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

Though My Heart is Torn, I'll Praise You in This Storm

One of the only things that makes me feel happy right now is listening to Christian music. It really can uplift your soul. The song that I am most drawn to is "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns. I feel like it's the song of my current life. I'm unimaginably upset and bitter about what's happening (or not happening) in my life and I have a difficult time understanding why God isn't answering my prayers. Just like in the song I feel like it keeps raining and I'm not sure why he hasn't stepped in and saved the day. Well as the song also says, he's never left my side, he's right there ready to battle the storm with me if I open my heart and let him. The dark phases of our life are what makes us stronger in the end and although its hard for us understand why he takes things away or leaves our prayers unanswered, he is God and has a master plan. Another favorite song of mine is "Your Hands" by JJ Heller. It helps to remind me that I shouldn't be praying for God to change my life, I should be praying for the widsom and guidance to follow his path and allow him to make a change through me, not for me.

If you ever have free time or are feeling depressed, I would hightly recommend listening to these two songs. They might change your outlook on life or at least make you feel slightly better.

Discouragement

The last couple of weeks have been a very depressing time for me. Everything that could be going wrong is. i've been told by EVERYONE that there's zero chance of me getting a job this next year. No one is hiring elementary teachers and if they are, the competition is ridiculous. On average there are about six to seven HUNDRED applicants per position. My chances of even getting an interview are less than 5%. As one prospective employer told me at the job fair, I have nothing that puts me above anyone else. I have no pertinent or useful life experiences, a crap gpa, not enough passion and am unable to coach/supervise extra-curricular activites. After that lovely conversation I realized that even though it's upsetting, it is true. There's no reason for them to hire me over the other 699 applicants. My friend Jo E.'s done everything you could imagine (i.e. worked with children around the world), has a perfect gpa, can coach any sport, be the advisor to any club, and shows a real committment to futhering children's education (at least in an interview).

So now I'm faced with the ugly truth that my future plans have all gone down the toilet. I've applied to 18 school districts all over the Pacific Northwest and haven't received a single response back. I'll be stuck at home for the next two to three years, working nights at anyplace that will hire me so I can sub during the day, and hating every minute of my life. As an extra crappy bonus to my situation, most school districts aren't even hiring subs because they already have too many. The school district told me that at best I would sub for 30% of the time. I'd also be making only slightly above minimum wage, getting no benefits and not having it count towards my retirement. Yippee.

It's times like this where I truly hate being poor and in debt. I have no options but to stay in a place I hate and pretend that everything's okay because there's no other way that I could survive. So here I am beginning my ever exciting post grad journey...wasting away years of my life doing nothing productive.

3 Rolls of Toilet Paper + Toilet= Flooding of the Boys Bathroom

At the elementary school where I student teach at, there is a before/after school program for kids. It's basically like a day care. One of the supervisors is this frumpy older woman who is a little bit slow. Her partner supervisor is a small, plump lady with some sort of mental disability. Both of the woman are nice, caring ladies but I don't feel like they should be responsible for a group of small children. They never have any idea what's going on and the kids just run free around the building. Well, yesterday afternooon I was in a rush to leave the school (I had a Smart Board class to get to) and as I ran past the boys bathroom I heard the sound of massive amounts of rushing water. I stopped and started heading for the bathroom when the frumpy supervisor came rushing over to me. She wanted to know if I knew where the custodians were...one of the boys had flooded the bathroom. I told her to go tell the office, they would radio the custodian, and I went into the bathroom to turn off the water. The entire floor was covered in water and there was toilet paper completely covering the toilet. I tried to turn off the water but I could't get the knob to turn so I went back out into the hall to wait for the custodian. Finally he showed up and with the combined help of the other 3 custodians they were able to shut the water off. The water had leaked into the hallway and soaked the carpet, making it reak of poo. I went back to the frumpy supervisor to ask what happened and who had done it. Well, the culprit was of course this little boy who used to go to the daycare where I work and who was in my mom's kindergarten class (he's in first grade now). He's always been a trouble maker and is known for doing the exact opposite of what he should be doing. I asked him how it happened and he told me that he was playing in the toilet and decided to fill it with 3 rolls of toilet paper to see what happened. This is why I love working with kids...they just don't think like adults!

Valentine's Day

Today was a rather uneventful but not to dissapointing of a day. I spent the day at home, hanging out with my mom. She was sick so we were only able to watch one movie before she had to take a nap but we watched "Notting Hill" which is one of my all time favorite movies. I also ate a huge chocolate bear and had a bottle of bubbly all to myself (by bubbly, I mean sparkling cider). I also attempted to curl my hair. As most people know, me and hair are not a good combination but I'm trying really hard to get better at styling it. Maybe one day when I actually get to do something with a boy on Valentine's Day I'll be able to curl my hair beautifully. I also spent most of the weekend watching sappy, cheesy Hallmark movies. I've done a lot of farming on facebook and I cleaned my room. Overall it's been a successful day, a little lonely, but not terrible. I think I'm going to end the day on a positive note and take a bubble bath! :)

Failing at Life

Today, after being completely stumped by a fifth grade math problem, I got to thinking about how often I fail at things. I know that everyone does badly at different things, they make mistakes or they don't do as well as they hope to on something but does everyone fail at most things in their life? In my opinion no, they don't, which leads me to the question as to why do I? It seems like every life goal or major plan I decide to do, I fail at, miserably. Example: Get a guy I'm interested in to take me to a formal dance (in highschool or college). Fail. Find a highschool boyfriend. Fail. Travel abroad for more than two weeks. Fail. Find a college boyfriend. Fail. Get a good GPA. Fail. Graduate. Pass(hopefully!). I feel like I need to change practically everything about myself to make me more successful in the things that I want. Within the next couple of months I'll find out if I pass or fail the next major life goal...getting a job. If I don't, I think I'll be unbelievably devasted. What will the point of my life be? Almost the only thing I actually enjoy is being in the classroom and if I don't have that then what do I have? Not much. I'll just be stuck at home, hating every moment of my life, praying that I'll be able to get out soon. It makes me depressed, just thinking about it.

Mean girls

Today was one of the happiest days I've had in a long time. This is due to a couple of things. First of all my favorite song came on the radio while driving to work this morning (aka "Return to Innocence"). Next, the terrarium I had to make with my students last week is actually doing what it's supposed to be doing...growing! There are cute little basil and thyme sprouts shooting out of that soda liter, yesss! Today was also the day that I bought all my kids Valentines and spent more than an hour choosing which design would go to which student (kind of pathetic but I really enjoyed it). It was also Jumprope for Heart Day which meant that I got to hang out in the "Heart Lab" and show kids a real heart and let them touch it. It was pretty cool. Last of all, and best of all, I discovered something truly wonderful. The boy that I've been casually seeing for the past 10 monthes (who will now be referred to as Boy) told me yesterday that he just wants to be friends, blah blah blah, and that he's still not over his girlfriend of 4 years. He thinks that she's perfect...funny, outgoing, amazingly beautiful, etc. For the first time, he told me what her name was. Well as I'm sure you can guess, the first thing I did was get on facebook and start to stalk, completely unashamed of how creepy I was being. I found her....and she's not pretty!!! She's got really small, beady brown eyes and is covered in freckles. When I saw her pictures I instantly felt better about myself. I am definatley better looking than her! This just made my day...I know that this really just proves what a horribly mean person I am, but it still feels good! I also got to thinking about how this is probably exactly the reason why I don't have a man in my life. God is looking down at me and shaking his head, thinking about what a mean girl I am. So even though I feel triumphant right now, I know that I have a lot of character building that I need to be doing. Maybe instead of spending so much time stalking and harshly judging every girl Boy talks to, I could read the Bible...

When the Cops Are Called to Your Classroom....

In my fifth grade classroom I have a plethora of personalities. Mostly the usual kind, the quiet kids, the loud kids, the dumb kids, the smart kids....and then I have student #25 (I'm using a number to keep his identity private). #25 has severe ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and is a pathological liar. This means that he doesn't do anything you ask him to, lies aobut everything and is violent. At any given time he'll start to throw pencils at other children, tear up his books, smash his desk/chair into other kids, cry, slap other kids with pieces of paper, and make ridiculously loud farting noises. Anything can set him off...and I do mean anything. Sometimes it'll be that he just doesn't like what we're doing and other times we'll simply ask him to do something and he goes off the deep end. To give you a clearer picture of how he acts on a day to day basis, I'll give you a couple of examples. One day we were passing out math tests, some were purple and some were white (there was no difference between the two other than color). When we handed him a puple one, he took it, slashed it across his neighbors face and then proceeded to rip it up. Today, we read aloud a short book on fossils and then asked the students to write three things that they learned. He raised his hand, so I went over to his desk to presumably answer his question. He told me that he needed help because he didn't listen to the story so he didn't know what to write down. I told him that he should have been listening and I'm not going to just give him the answers. In response, he tore apart his reading book and started throwing things at other children. Most of the time we just ignore him, but as soon as he starts endangering other kids, we call the office. Well, last week he started throwing one of his fits. He didn't want to take his spelling test, so he started freaking out. When he threw a book at another child, we called the Assist. Principle to come down. She came down and tried to reason with him, which wasn't successful. Then the counselor came in to try to talk him down, and he still didn't care. Finally the Head Principle came in and gave him his choices. He refused to go down to the office and stop throwing things. The Principle then called the police....yes, she really called the cops. Apparently there is a special officer who deals directly with students, mostly middle school and high school but occasionally elementary students. We had to then evacuate the students out of the classroom and wait for the officer to remove #25. The officer "escorted" #25 to the office where his parents were called. I was shocked because I'd never even heard of a cop coming to an elementary school but it does make since when you think about it. #25 is bigger than me so there would be no possible way for me to ever subdue him. I guess though, its just another exciting day in grade school!

Breakeven

I was listening to the song "Breakeven" by The Script and it got me to thinking about love and how complicated it is. In my (little)experience of love, it seems that one person always has stronger feelings than the other and both people have different expectations. I'm very envious of the couples who have non-complicated relationships. Those people that just meet each other, like each other, date and end up married within a couple of years. How is it possible to have such an un-complicated relationship? It seems like something out of a movie, and if there's anything I don't believe in, its love like in the movies. I think its ridiculous to assume that you're going to meet your soul mate and everythings gong to work out perfectly. Perfect relationships don't exist and I think that most of society has unrealistic expectations of relationships. Prince Charming is from a fairytale and I think the sooner people realize that, the better off they'll be when it comes to love. When I was younger I couldn't wait to find Mr. Right, the boy who had all the qualities that I wanted and who would sweep me off my feet..well, now that thought has been shattered. I always knew that I would meet that guy in highschool..and it didn't happen. Then I knew that I would find him in college...and it didn't happen. Now I'm going to have to miraculously meet some guy at the grocery store(or a similarly odd place) and make such a good impression that he'll want to pursue me. What are the odds of that really happening? I feel like from this point on finding a guy will be like finding a needle in a haystack. Plus, I'm not particularly outgoing which won't exactly be a help on my search for Mr. Right. I think my real dissapoint comes from the fact that college is over and what do I really have to show for it? I've never had a boyfriend and every boy that I have had some sort of "relationship" with, kicks me to the curb with out a second thought. Knowing that not only was I not what they wanted, but that they don't even care enough about me to feel any kind of remorse or saddness as they tell me that I'm just not what they're looking for. I guess to sum it all up, I wish that at the end of my next "relationship" when we don't breakeven, that I'm on the side that does the breaking, not the one who recieves it.

My First Posting...

One of my best friends encouraged me to start a blog, so here I am, writing my first post. I guess I should start off by saying a little bit about myself and why I'm writing this blog. I'm a senior in college and I'm in the middle of my student teaching. I had to move back home to do my student teaching, so I'm living with my parents, desperately craving freedom. I love being around my students and I look forward to seeing them and (hopefully) inspiring them to do their best. Other than that, I like nothing about my life. I hate living with my parents, i hate being away from my friends, I hate being alone all the time and most of all I hate how I feel like my youth is passing me by. I should be going out living life to the fullest and instead I sit at home, working on lesson plans and wasting time on the computer. I have no idea if I'll get a job this next fall or where I'll get a job. I would like nothing better than to move away, live in my own apartment and try to pull my life back together. I need a change. I need to find a reason to be happy. By this time next year I hope to be content with life and ready to face its challenges.