Sweetly Broken

Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to embrace the present. Most of the time I feel like I'm trapped in the past or future. I wish desperately that I could change events that have already gone by and I worry constantly about what is going to happen.... I can't live like this anymore. I wish with all my heart that college wasn't over and that I could be back with my friends, enjoying all the day to day laughs. I wish that I could go back to when I first met Boy and change the outcome of our relationship. I wish that I could know where I will be in five years and if I'll ever get a better paying job. There are so many things that I want to know or change in my life that it's CONSUMING my life!

I've finally come to the conclusion that in order to be happy I have to let it all go and acually enjoy what I have right now. Instead of wishing that I could go back to college, I can be thankful that I no longer have homework and that I'm an educated adult. Instead of wishing that Boy and I could have had a fairy tale ending, I can acknowledge the great times I had with him and know that even though he wasn't my fairy tale ending at least he got to be part of my fairy tale. Also, I can appreciate the fact that I have a class full of kids who care about me and that is far more important than the salary I make.

I don't know where I'll be in five years from now, one year from now or even one month from now. The only thing that I do know is that if I stop worrying and just give my life to God, it will all work out. I was listening to the song "Sweetly Brokent" the other day and it made me realize that God won't give me anything that I can't handle. I should be encouraged when trials present themselves in my life because I know that in order to have a better life and be a stronger person I have to first be "sweetly broken". The worst times in our lives are when we see ourselves for who we really are....they are the times that motivate us to appreciate all that we have and the people who love us. If I have faith in God's plan it will all work itself out eventually. I just need to learn the skill of patience. :)

Here are some quotes/verses that really helped to inspire me:
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."1 Peter 5:6-7

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
- Helen Keller

"Opportunities fly by while we sit regretting the chances we have lost, and the happiness that comes to us we heed not, because of the happiness that is gone."- Jerome K. Jerome

Only Time

A week ago, I had a profound moment sitting in my classroom (I just want to add that it's sooo weird to have my OWN classroom!). I was at my desk, while my kids were working on an assignment, and we were listening to soft, relaxing music. The song "Only Time" by Enya came on. Even though this happens to be one of my favorite songs of all time, for the first time I actually listened to the lyrics and realized how incredible they are. The song starts off by saying "who can say where the road goes?, where the day flows?, only time..." I really took those lyrics to heart. As much as I like to sit around and ponder/decide how things will turn out in my life, I will always be wrong.

For example, there's my relationship with Boy. I'd like to think that my past relationship with him was pointless and should have been avoided, but I also realize that it's not true. He taught me to have a better outlook on life and to have confidence in myself. Also, (and probably most importantly) I have to credit him with my current job. Last year, at this very same time, I was feeling increasingly unhappy in my third grade student teaching placement. I was offered a way out if I would move to fifth grade. I didn't want to. Boy told me that I had nothing to lose and that I needed to give it a shot because I might be surprised at how it turns out. Well he was right, I ended up LOVING fifth grade! A year later, I sit here marvelling at the fact that I'm a fifth grade teacher and it's exactly where I should be.

Life happens everyday and there are always unexpected twists in the road. A year ago, I would never have thought I would be where I am today. I thought I'd be living somewhere new, falling in love with my (seemingly)perfect Boy, and living a fun-filled picturesque life. Instead, I'm living at home, heartbroken, and leading a fairly dull life. However, my life is still fulfilling. I'm a teacher, which I still can't believe, and i'm constantly progressing toward becoming a more confident, independent young adult. Even though this isn't the life I would have pictured, it's not a bad life.

Another part of the lyrics says "who can say why your heart sighs, as your love flies, only time..." This is particularly helpful as I try to overcome my broken heart. I may be hurting now and confused as to why I'm alone but it's all for a good reason. Someday, I'll understand why I wasn't what he wanted and that there was nothing different that I could have done to change the outcome.

Also, while I was thinking about this song, I just happened to come across this quote in one of my teacher inspiration books. It says "if you really don't miss someone or someplace, you're not living life deeply enough." This is such a powerful quote. It's the scars on our hearts that show our true beauty. If everything was rainbows and smiley faces, we would never be able to appreciate the great things in our lives. I have loved and I have lost, but in the end, I'll be the winner. The heart breaks of life have caused me to become more open towards new possibilities because you never know when something will be taken away from you or when something will be drastically changed.

“Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." Romans 5:3-4

Forgiveness

This past weekend I came upon a quote that really spoke to me. It opened a can of worms (so to speak) in my heart. As I've been progressing down my road to happiness I've had my ups and downs. Lately I've been in the up part but there has always been something that keeps part of me down. The thing that keeps holding me back is my feelings about a certain boy. Boy has broken my heart in a seemingly unfixable way. No matter what I do and how hard I try to let him go, I just haven't been able to. Our relationship has always been confusing and undpredictable but it's been absolutely enjoyable at the same time. Even though he's found someone new, he keeps randomely coming back into my life. It's hard for me to handle and it makes me miss him more each time he talks to me.

However, for the very first time after I found this quote, I realized what was holding me back from letting him go. Forgiveness. During (and after) our relationship, Boy didn't always act in the best ways. He's caused me to cry more times than I can count. I've always blamed him for my broken heart. He's the one who wouldn't give us a chance, he's the one who always has excuses, and he's the one who talks about great things but can never follow through with actions. Now, I've finally understood that in order to let him go, I have to forgive him. Truly and completely forgive him. I can't blame him anymore. I can't blame myself either.

Forgiveness isn't easy and even though I know it's what I need to do, it's still going to take some time. I'll keep praying about it and I know that when I'm whole heartedly ready to forgive him, than God will take the burden off of me and the healing will be complete. I will have successfully let him go because I'll know that it doesn't matter what he did to me or why he did it, he's forgiven and I won't have a reason to be hurt anymore.

So I guess to conclude, I just want to say that if there's some area in your life that is holding you back and you can't quite seem to let it go, then you need to forgive. Forgive the person and move on...don't just say that you've forgiven them. Truly and unconditionally forgive them. You'll be better off for it in the long run. Forgivness heals your soul and helps you to become a stronger person.

This is the quote:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to realize that the prisoner was you."- Lewis B. Smedes (a Christian author).

Comfort

When I think of comfort, several images come to mind. I think of being in "the Shack" surrounded by close friends chatting about nothing. I think of my lake cabin at sunset and how the water sparkles in the fading light. I think about mac n'cheese, pudding and pepsi. I think about all of the things that give me physical and emotional comfort. I never think about things that make me unhappy or frustrated, things that I can't control and harsh words from people I care about.

Over the past couple of weeks though, I've realized that these are actually the things that give me true comfort. It's the trials in our lives and the bad things that happen to us that allow us to feel comfort in the good things. If all I ever drank was Pepsi then I would never realize how absolutely wonderful it is. It would just be something that I drank. I need to have experienced the sickening taste of Mt. Dew to appreciate the delicious taste of Pepsi.

Since I've started my adventure to find happiness, I've been able to completely understand what comfort is and how important it is in my life. Without the struggles that I've undergone, I would never have been able to identify the things that comfort me. Having had a lonely summer with almost no interaction with people my age, I realized how comforting it can be to have friends around you. Even if all you do with your friend is fight about the little things in life, at least you have someone to share your life with. If I hadn't had my heart broken (more than once), I would never have realized how comforting it is to know that their is always beauty in the healing and that you will always emerge a stronger person.

I think that the most important thing that I realized is that no matter how hard your life gets and how hopeless your life may seem, there is ALWAYS comfort in knowing that everything in this life is temporary. Your current circumstances are not forever. The only certain thing in life is change, and even if that change is intimidating or unexpected, it's comforting to know that it will always be there.

When I think about comfort, I also think about the song "Jesus bring the rain" by Mercy Me. Basically it says that we should pray for Jesus to bring the rain (or pain in our life) because it allows us to truly understand the great things around us. So for now, I'll keep praying for rain because I know that at the end of the storm, there will be a magnificent rainbow.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. Psalm 71:20-21

Courage

Courage is my word of the week. I'm trying to do everything in my power to be a courageous person. Prior to this week, I thought of courage as something only needed for heroes. Now I realize that courage is an everyday thing. I'm courageous because I'm trying to overcome my anxiety and depression. I'm courageous because I'm finally letting go of my future and giving it to God, knowing that he will take care of me. Everyone is courageous in some aspect of their lives and I think that we all need to take time to realize that and to appreciate it. Courage, or the ability to face your fears, is one of the most important qualities a person can have.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll have enough courage to make it through these hard times. Everyday is still an uphill battle for me. I'm trying to see the good but it's a struggle. I feel isolated from the world. I wake up, go to work, come home, hang out with my mom and go to bed. That is all my life consists of. I have no friends that I can hang out with or to even talk to. Everyone gets caught up in their own lives and has their own schedules, which of course is just part of life. I'm also trying to find the courage to move on from a broken heart and to let go of someone I truly care about. I'm trusting that God took him away from me for a very good reason and that someday I'll understand why (even if that day is in heaven). In the meantime I just have to accept it and move on. He's gone and as they say "there's no use crying over spilled milk."

I guess the plus of being alone all of the time is that I'm really starting to find myself again. I've been able to read more than I have in years. I get lost in my books and I love it. It helps me to realize that the world is waiting for me and all I have to do is find the courage to step outside, relying on the Lord to be there for me when I stumble.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."Joshua 1:9

Perseverance

Perseverance seems to be the motto of my life at the moment. This summer I embarked on a crazy journey I like to call "finding happiness." Easy for most, but extremely difficult for me. The last couple of months I've been emotionally drained and horribly bitter and depressed. Instead of taking the road of defeat, I opted for the road to happiness (just like the title to my blog says). I've been trying to learn how to live a life that is worthwhile and it's been interesting to say the least. I've been seeing this wonderful lady who is doing her best to make me appreciate my "good" qualities...and it's working to some degree. I go to a weekly bible study with college age women so that I can be involved in something. I babysit an adorable baby once a week. I'm planning my best friends wedding reception, which is basically a dream come true for me. I was also called in for an interview after filling out 40 applications (literally).

While these all seem like great things, I'm still struggling. My heart is still broken and each day I have to make an effort to get out of bed and be productive. Perseverance is what has been carrying me through. Knowing that I HAVE to reach my end goal or my life will truly go up in flames. Trying to understand that it's best that we don't see too far ahead, cause what would be the fun in that? The story of your life isn't about the ending, it's about everything that happens in the middle. So I guess what I want to say is that at the end of my story, I will have persevered through these tough times and I will have my happy ending (eventually).

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

Though My Heart is Torn, I'll Praise You in This Storm

One of the only things that makes me feel happy right now is listening to Christian music. It really can uplift your soul. The song that I am most drawn to is "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns. I feel like it's the song of my current life. I'm unimaginably upset and bitter about what's happening (or not happening) in my life and I have a difficult time understanding why God isn't answering my prayers. Just like in the song I feel like it keeps raining and I'm not sure why he hasn't stepped in and saved the day. Well as the song also says, he's never left my side, he's right there ready to battle the storm with me if I open my heart and let him. The dark phases of our life are what makes us stronger in the end and although its hard for us understand why he takes things away or leaves our prayers unanswered, he is God and has a master plan. Another favorite song of mine is "Your Hands" by JJ Heller. It helps to remind me that I shouldn't be praying for God to change my life, I should be praying for the widsom and guidance to follow his path and allow him to make a change through me, not for me.

If you ever have free time or are feeling depressed, I would hightly recommend listening to these two songs. They might change your outlook on life or at least make you feel slightly better.